Outsider at the Party

OUTSIDER AT THE PARTY!

It’s that time of year when weddings and graduations are in full bloom. Special events that we look forward to and remember all of our lives are popping up everywhere, and for many stepmothers the stomachs are tightening, the heart is pounding and the nerves are vibrating.

Why? Why these responses to such happy events?
Welcome to the realities of stepfamily life. I don’t say this to be negative; Lord knows I don’t want to be negative. But I’ve worked with too many stepfamilies where these normally happy events turn out to be anything but. Husbands feel stuck in the middle and stretched in every possible direction, stepmothers are reminded once again that they are the lowest rung on the stepfamily ladder, and the bride and groom might be fretting more about where their parents and stepparents are going to sit than how much money they are going to spend on their honeymoon.
I’ve come up with a solution for everyone. All it requires is one teensy weensy caveat: The solution asks for, no demands, that all involved conduct themselves as bonafide grown-ups.
Since I’m talking to stepmothers here, my encouragement is to you. What I am suggesting to you, as the stepmother, is that you take your wisdom and sense of self-protection into these events. If that translates into sitting at another table for a bit, giving your stepchild opportunities to take a photo with just their mom and dad, and ignoring any potentially hostile stares or glances from who-knows-who, than that’s what a good stepmom/grown-up does.
My best friend, an events coordinator who has planned numerous weddings, tells me that one of her most major complaints are when she has to deal with all of the drama that so many weddings produce when they involve stepfamilies. She has watched brides and grooms fret and worry about the feelings of all of the adults involved, only to find that they can’t please anyone, especially themselves.
It is not uncommon for brides to want her parents at the wedding party table, asking that the parents’ spouses sit at separate tables. Based on the reactions of some of the stepparents, you would think they were being exiled to the furthest points of Siberia.
My friend has witnessed yelling, screaming and basic hysterics coming from many stepmothers who insisting—no, demanded!— they be put at the head table with their spouses or included in a family picture.
It has been my contention that there are many adults walking around but very few grown-ups. What is a grown-up? A grown-up is someone who is comfortable in their own skin, comfortable with who they are. They have no need to justify, rationalize or explain themselves to others and they have no need to get others to understand them or take care of them. They take complete and total responsibility for their behaviors. They don’t take things personally. They don’t resort to manipulation, drama, yelling, crying or demands to get their way. They also know they are not the only person on the planet and are able to make objective assessments of difficult situations, especially emotional ones.
In the case of a monumental event, like a wedding, they recognize that the bride and

Tips For Stepmoms 1. BE AWARE that you and can’t control the ex-wives, the kids or even your husband. 2. Choose to willfully and proactively
STEP OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT and focus on your spouse’s child and their special day. 3.
UNDERSTAND that the special day isn’t about you or proving your position in the family; it’s about creating a stress-free joyous event for the child who is being honored or the couple who is getting married. 22 © 2011 STEPMOM MAGAZINE groom have a mom and a dad who also have spent their lives looking forward to the day their child gets married.
Research strongly shows that events like weddings and graduations stir up all kinds of stepfamily craziness. Stepparents who thought they had close relationships with their stepchildren find out how much they really count when they are relegated to some corner table. Stepfathers who spent more time parenting than the "real" fathers are told that the absent father is getting the honor of walking the bride down the aisle.
Brides and grooms are mystified when they see revised guest lists that include friends of stepparents they don’t even know. One stepmother lamented to my events coordinator friend, "I feel like an outsider at these things. I need some of my own support."
Can someone please ask, "What about the bride? What about the groom? What about the graduate? Does anyone care what they want since this is supposed to be about them?"
 Here’s one quick sure-fire tip to enjoy your stepchild’s big day: be a grown-up.
Wedding days, graduations, the birth of grandchildren … these all are huge life events that should be celebrated with joy and happiness. But the fact of the matter is, when it comes to the complications of stepfamilies, tension between ex-wives and new wives and tensions between ex-spouses, these events all can conspire to ruin a special occasion for an innocent party. And this just isn’t right, fair or mature.
Remember the song "We Are the World" and the accompanying video which raised money for those suffering in Africa? With more than 45 of America’s top musicians participating in the recording, organizer Bob Geldof pinned a sign outside the door to the studio that read, "Please check your egos at the door."
Good riddance, I say. Ego has ruined more relationships, marriages, friendships, stepfamilies and special occasions than anything I’ve witnessed.
The next time your stepchild has one of these special events, your gift to them (as well as yourself) would be to heed the wise words of Bob Geldof. No one’s day should be ruined by ego, especially by those who are 18 or older. ■
Tips for Husbands 1. BE AWARE that your wife is about to enter a situation where she will most likely feel like an outsider. 2. During the event, perform
SMALL ACTS OF KINDNESS and affection for your wife. Let her know how much you appreciate her support of your child in a potentially uncomfortable situation. 3. Give your daughter or son total permission to create an event that matches who they are and what they want.
PROTECT THEM from any kind of meddling from any family member who could thwart any of their happiness on such a special day. MARY T. KELLY specializes in working with stepmoms, stepcouples and stepfamilies. She has a psychotherapy practice in Boulder, Colo., and has been practicing for 18 years. She offers phone, Skype and Facetime coaching for stepmoms and stepcouples, as well as "intensive" one- to two-day coaching/therapy sessions. She can be reached at: marriedwith baggage@mac.com. 23 © 2011 STEPMOM MAGAZINE

Opinions don't matter when you FEEL hurt

Opinions do not matter when it comes to ones feelings.
A big problem I have found reading other peoples posts online is two things. 

1) Most all new wives of a Divorced Dad with the ex wife still attending family functions are uncomfortable.  
-Why?  
From personal experience as well as what I have read.  We are treated different when we are all together. We are actually treated poorly.  Sad but true.   
There seems to be an overcompensation toward the old wife to show love and affection.
Wether we came along right after the divorce or like me 10 years later we are treated as if we are the reason for the divorce.  It feels like we are having a current affair. 
Now is this just in our presence or all the time?  I don't know
Does the family feel that this ex-wife is still part of the family? Irrelevant

2) From an outside opinion it is easy to say RELAX or DO IT FOR THE KIDS
but in reality the kids watching the new wife being treated poorly hurts the relationships they are trying to build not help.  
As a step daughter myself it took me years to understand why my grandparents wanted nothing to do with my step mother.  It was confusing and hurtful.  I wish as a child that my dads family could have seen how fun my step mom was the way I did.  We did cool new things!   ..they would not even talk about her.  Only asking me how my mom was.  Letting me know subconsciously what side they were on.

What I am doing for the kids for now is STAYING AWAY
I NEED a happy healthy life 

The negativity I receive from my husbands family as if I am doing something wrong all the time.

If you are in a similar situation and have a "new wife" in your family.  Surround her with love.   Treat the new relationship with extra love and support.  It is a special needs relationship.  It was build on pain and hurt of a divorce.  They have their own family together and need the love and support of FAMILY.  You can not fix the broken relationship but you can chose to forgive move on and love.  With or without the ex wife in the room

14 Things your daughter in law wants you to know

14 Things your daughter in law wants you to know
From: http://www.familylife.com/ 

1. Cut the apron strings to your son.

“Know that your input is no longer the primary influence in your son’s life.”

“Understand the leaving and cleaving part of Scripture (Genesis 2:24). Love unconditionally but also understand your correct place in the relationship with your child.”

“Don’t expect your son to do what you want him to do anymore. Expect and encourage him to consult with his wife.”

“Encourage your son to build, develop, and define his marriage role. Don’t fight for position by grasping and grabbing for your son’s time and emotions.  Good mamas want their kids to have good marriages.”

2. Pray for your daughter-in-law.

“Hope and pray that the marriage of your son will be successful. Don’t sit in the background and hope for your daughter-in-law to fail.”

“Rather than question or criticize your daughter-in-law, bring issues to God and pray.”

“Ask God to show you how to love your daughter-in-law as your own daughter.”

3. Talk with your daughter-in-law about hard things.

“If you are a family, act like one. Families fight, they discuss their issues and that’s how they get resolved. This can be done lovingly and constructively. It doesn’t have to be a he said/she said/you said situation. Tiptoeing around the problems and acting like they don’t exist doesn’t help anyone, it only hurts everyone in the long run.”

“Ask your daughter-in-law to let you know if/when you offend her. Remember that Satan wants to destroy your relationship.”

4. Compliment your daughter-in-law; never criticize.

“Honor your daughter-in-law in the presence of your son. Compliment your daughter-in-law; never criticize.”

“Make an effort to applaud, praise, and thank your daughter-in-law. Tell her how much you appreciate her positive influence on your son and why you think she’s a good mother.” 

5. Only give advice when asked.

“Do not volunteer information unless asked.” 

“Be quick to encourage; don’t question, criticize, or give unsolicited advice.”

“Be aware that sometimes a mother-in-law’s desire to be helpful can be heard by the daughter-in-law as a threat or criticism.” 

6. Your daughter-in-law may be different from you. Accept her for who she is.

“Realize that your daughter-in-law wasn’t raised the same way you raised your son and maybe doesn’t have the same standards you have. … Try to understand her mindset and the way her family operated.”

“Do not try to change her into who you would like her to be.”

“A good mother-in-law doesn’t make the wife feel like she doesn’t measure up, or give the impression that she wishes her son would have made a ‘better’ choice.  A good mother-in-law encourages, accepts, and loves unconditionally.”

7. Do not put expectations on your daughter-in-law.

“Do not say things like, ‘You’ll be here for Christmas, won’t you?’ “ 

“Do not have expectations for visits, phone calls, etc.”

8. Remember that your son has always had faults. 

“Your child was not perfect before she married him.”

“You love your son, so does your daughter-in-law. Every change that you see in your son is not her doing.” 

9. Accept the goals your son and daughter-in-law have for their lives.

“Be interested in the things your daughter-in-law and her family are doing even though you don’t agree with them (i.e., homeschooling, international travel, etc.).  Show some interest in the things that are most important to them … even if you think they are making wacky decisions.” 

“If we don’t do or say things the way you would, just love us anyway.”

“Allow your daughter-in-law to disagree and know that it isn’t something personal.  Don’t be offended if a daughter-in-law does not share your tastes, dreams, and values.”

10. Try to understand.

“Remember that all good relationships take work and a willingness to seek understanding.”

“Do not assume that you know why ‘she said that’ or ‘she did that.’ Particularly if your assumptions tend to assign negative or mean motivations.”

“Ask questions to understand. Don’t tell your daughter-in-law how things should be.”

11. Allow your son and daughter-in-law to make mistakes.

“Respect your son and daughter-in-law’s decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. Know that if their decision is a mistake, it will be a learning opportunity for them.”

“We all mess up sometimes, but your daughter-in-law really does want to get along with you.”

“Look for positives to applaud even though you see room for improvement.”

12. Cultivate a relationship with your daughter-in-law.

“Let her know the qualities you see in her as a person apart from being a wife and mom. … Realize that it takes time for your daughter-in-law to feel like you are a mom to her. Start out as a friend and let the mom role take place over time.”

“Tell your daughter-in-law about decisions you faced as a mother of infants, toddlers, teenagers, young adults, etc.  Talk about more than superficial things.”

“When you call your son, and your daughter-in-law answers the phone, visit with her before asking for your son.”

“Spend time alone with your daughter-in-law doing things you both enjoy. It encourages her when you ask her to go shopping and then ask her opinion about a purchase. Show your daughter-in-law that you truly appreciate her input and enjoy being with her.”

“Develop a true friendship with your daughter-in-law.”

“Get to know your daughter-in-law for the person God created her to be.  Then, come alongside her to mentor, encourage, and build a relationship so that if/when you need to give loving input or direction, it is not taken as meddling.” 

13. Think the best of your daughter-in-law.

“I wish I could tell my mother-in-law that I know that I’m not perfect; I don’t expect her to be perfect; but let’s both try to assume that the other is doing the best she can.  The comment that she may hear that sounds rude to her, or the action that may come across as hurtful (like a missed birthday card) is usually the dumb stumble of an imperfect person (me).  I often feel that every action is interpreted in the worst light as a personal affront against her.”

“If your son and daughter-in-law can’t do something you want them to do, realize that it’s not because they are angry with you or don’t love you ... it has nothing to do with you at all.  Do not analyze and try to figure out what you did wrong.”

“Know that your son is in good hands and that your daughter-in-law is grateful for all that you taught him in the earlier years.” 

14. Take the initiative to connect with your son and daughter-in-law.

“I wish I could tell my mother-in-law to come visit us more often rather than expecting us to travel during this busy time in our lives.  She and my father-in-law are retired and have nothing else to do. As long as they are healthy and can travel, wouldn’t it make more sense for them to come to us rather than us loading up four busy people who have jobs, school, extracurricular activities, etc.? Come be a part of our lives.”

“Offer to take care of the grandkids so your daughter-in-law can have a day to herself.”

“I wish my mother-in-law would spend more time with the grandkids. I don't want to always be the one asking. I would love it if she'd call and say, ‘Can I keep the kids on Saturday?’ … I personally want the kids to know their grandparents well".

Okay, mothers-in-law, there’s the list. What are we going to do about it?

Step Parent Statistics! The Ugly Truth!

Stepfamilies are Formed Out of Loss

An estimated one-third of children will live in a stepparent home before the age of 18 (1), and 50 percent will have a stepparent at some point in their lifetime (2). Whether death or divorce has disrupted the biological family, children often struggle to adjust. The family unit provides a child with the safety and security he or she needs. But when a parent dies or divorce occurs it's likely to induce insecurity and fear in a child's life. Many Christians falsely assume that a stepfamily formed due to the death of a parent is easier on the children than a remarriage after divorce. However, all loss is painful. Kids who are grieving often display frustration, depression, or belligerence. It's crucial for the stepmom to understand how loss can shatter dreams and instill long-term anxiety. A tremendous way she can learn is by attending a support group designed for kids who are suffering from the emotions associated with grief.

Many experts say stepmothers have a key role in making a blended family work. And they note that the blended family — whether the parents are married or just living together — is the family form of the future.

More than half of all Americans today have been, are now or will eventually be in one or more step situations, says the Stepfamily Association of America. About 30% of all kids are likely to spend time in some sort of "stepping" arrangement. And those kids are increasingly likely to be spending more time with a stepmom as courts begin favoring joint custody that increases the children's time with dad.

Among recent findings suggesting that stepmoms are often not cherished by stepchildren:

• Only about 20% of adult stepkids feel close to their stepmoms, says the pioneering work of E. Mavis Hetherington involving 1,400 families of divorce, some studied almost 30 years. "The competition between non-custodial mothers and stepmothers was remarkably enduring," she writes in For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered.
• Only about one-third of adult children think of stepmoms as parents, suggests Constance Ahrons' 20-year research project. Half regard their stepdads as parents. About 48% of those whose moms had remarried were happy with the new union. Only 29% of those whose dads had remarried liked the idea of a stepmom. Ahrons is a sociologist and senior researcher with the non-profit Council on Contemporary Families

http://usatoday30.usatoday.com/life/2002/2002-05-07-stepmom.htm

A Healthy Stepfamily Takes Time

About 75 percent of those who divorce will eventually remarry (3). However, one of the most common misconceptions about stepfamilies is that everyone will bond quickly and smoothly. Stepfamily expert Ron Deal shares, "The average stepfamily takes seven years to integrate. Parents want to believe their kids will be OK, thus the power of hope blinds couples to the realities of stepfamily integration" (4). Many couples enter a remarriage without researching or believing that it's not uncommon for the kids to struggle or battle the relationship. When parents attempt to rush or force the relationship between stepchildren and stepparent, it creates tension and sets the marriage up for failure.

Family support and acceptance of the new marriage is vital for this new family.  If negative or unsupportable feelings surface than it is in the best interest of husband and wife to choose for them what their family/friend tree will look like.   It is more common than realized for the step mom to be rejected for the role they are in.  Not the person they are.  

Children Need Dad
A smart stepmom encourages her husband to spend time alone with his kids. When dad remarries, a child may view the new relationship as a threat. Dads often don't know how to respond when the kids are jealous and don't want to share him with the new wife. Therefore, it's important for the stepmom to initiate and support activities between dad and his kids. Gradually integrate activities together as a stepfamily.

Becoming a Wicked (Awesome) Step Mother!

Becoming a Wicked ..Awesome Step Mother!


Becoming a Step Mother has been the biggest commitment I have ever made in my entire life.
Becoming a step daughter myself at the age of 12 I understand more clear than anyone the challenges, confusions and emotions a young kid goes through.   I also know the hell I put my step parents through.
What I didn't realize was all the rejection I would get from "outsiders" as a new step mom.
I have been forced to deal with many different emotions and opinions of others surrounding my marriage and the children.
I am most surprised with the kids mother rejecting me.  It had been 8+ years since their divorce - so why am I being treating me like I am invisible.  Not an important part of her children's lives.
Irrelevant on any background story when an ex spouse re marries this must take a toll on any ex wife and mother.  It must be hard to take out personal emotion for the children.   I am not in this role myself but it is hard for me to know that I should keep a positive attitude and still try where I have been treated with negatively.  It is hard to have people feel like it is ok to judge our lives.   To tell me and my husband how to run our lives and household.  "you need to understand..."  "the kids are suffering" "you don't know what he put her through" "this is how things have always been"


Surprising, is people from my life not understanding my decision to marry a man with children. 
Not understanding or liking my new responsibilities.
"jealous ex wife" from one side and "insecure new wife" from the other.
I wish for the kids everyone could just stop be happy for them ..for us Genuinely!

We have stranded ourselves on an island.  One where we chose how happy to be!

I just want to say to all you ex wives please understand...  we are not looking to replace you
we are not looking to take over your traditions
we are not jealous of you or your past with our husband
Nor do we assume you are jealous of us
we fell in love with a man with children ..your children
we treat them as best we can
We ask for respect and kindness for the important role we are now in

God Continue To Give Me Strength!

5 New Year's Resolutions for Stepmothers

Being a stepmother can be extremely challenging and can make many of us miserable. This is the ideal time of year to take stock of our lives and decide how we can improve them. Besides resolving to lose the proverbial ten pounds, to eat nutritiously, and to exercise regularly, consider making some specific resolutions for the New Year that will help you as a stepmother. Here are some for you to consider:

1. Live a life of your choosing rather than your partner’s: In our quest to become an integral member of our step families, too many of us stepmothers expend all our energies taking care of step family members with the consequence that we are too exhausted at the end of each day to focus on developing and attending to our own needs and interests. Be careful not to exclusively attach yourself to your partner’s life by spending all your time with his family and doing the activities he enjoys; make a concerted effort to be with your family and friends and to do activities that enhance your growth and development. Create a life that authentically expresses who you are.

2. Have a weekly date night with your partner: Being true to yourself does not mean you must ignore your partner. In fact, to be content as a stepmother and survive the stresses of step family life, your relationship with him must be the most important priority in your life and his (right after your own well-being, which should always come first). Having fun together strengthens your relationship and makes it easier to get over the crises when they occur.

3. Cushion yourself from rejection: Rejection by stepchildren and other family members is a common experience for many stepmothers. Naturally, this hurts. To cushion yourself against these wounds, reach out to friends and other stepmothers for support. Their love and support can buffer you from rejection if it occurs. Make an effort to spend time with friends.

4. Simplify your life: Many stepmothers complain about how tired they are, how much they have to do, and how little time they have to devote to themselves. What many of us don’t realize is that we have choices about what we do. We can regain our vitality in life by reprioritizing our responsibilities and eliminating certain tasks. To prevent burnout, you need to safeguard your time by saying “no” to unreasonable requests, and by choosing activities you really, really like to do, while letting go of the others. Make sure that household tasks are fairly shared.

5. Have fun every day: Laughter is truly the best medicine. Make sure you do something fun each day to offset the responsibilities in your life. Petting your dog or cat are simple, free activities that can make a huge difference in creating a positive outlook on life.

5ny res from: http://thehappystepmother.blogspot.com

I myself plan on removing any person who speaks negotively or does not support our marraige from our life!
Wishing you and your family a Healthy, Happy New Year!

Stepmother's Bill of Rights

I found this purely by accident one day, and wish I had known of it sooner. You see, most of the "rights' outlined below I have already come to decide (even demand at times) for myself but only after many tears, arguments and lots of hard feelings.

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.
2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.
3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.
4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.
5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.
6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.
7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.
8. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.
9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.
10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

I have to admit, that I have issue with item #4. As much as I appreciate knowing that some anonymous author thinks I have the right to tell my husband when/if his child is allowed to live with or visit us, I can't in good conscience apply this theory. If roles were reversed, I know that I certainly would not want my spouse to tell me that child (if i had one) is not allowed to live with us.